3/17/2020 - 3:22 PMI just got done eatin lunch, tried that new weird chalupa boat thing from taco bell. hate to say this, but that was delicious. anyway, i work tonight to my own dismay, but then i get to bake a pie for ostara and play animal crossing! awesome! if anyone else plays, totally leave a comment on my neocities and we can add each other or something! would love to play with some new people. things have been okay here, i ended up taking a hiatus from twitter, and i honestly dont know when or if i'll be back. i feel like its not a good platform for me, and i really just want to focus on myself right now as far as mental health and other stuff goes. it doesnt help that fake info abt the virus was running rampant before i left, so i feel like it was a wise decision to leave. i enjoy spending my time doing other things instead of checking twitter anyway. even though it can be isolating at times, ive found newfound freedom in browsing tumblr and other websites such as this one instead. i think i'll post most of my content here and on a dedicated tumblr portfolio. im feeling a little sluggish so maybe i'll watch some youtube or play minecraft on my switch who knows! hehe, we'll see. can't wait to be free this weekend to play ac! suuuper excited. bye for now, love you!
3/06/2020 - 5:26 AMive been busy, looking for new jobs and stuff. im eating a meatball sub as i type this. a meatball sub at 5 am. its really good. hoping to update this site more really soon!
2/11/2020 - 6:22 AM things are improving little by little. my dissociative episodes have been getting better, or maybe im coming to terms with how strange the human existence really is. sometimes the idea of consciousness and mortality really scares me. but then sometimes, like now- i realize its just a part of being human. the strange animals we are. i know one day i'll be at peace with it, i know i just need to be brave and try and do my best with what i have right now, then there'll be no need to fear the future or forever. my dysmorphia is still present, but i plan on talking about it with my therapist tomorrow. i want to try to figure out better ways to deal with the feelings instead of scary intrusive thoughts. i dont like feeling the way i do. sometimes it gets very intense and very disturbing. i want to set up a meditation schedule, as well as a schedule to practice astral projection. i'll do this soon. i'm hoping i will get this new job on thursday, i'm a bit concerned, but hopeful i'll make it to stage 2 of the interview process. i want to be making more money, and work with a smaller company. ihave been planning out musical aliases for lawrence and i's projects, its very fun to create the faces of musical projects. i hope to actually post some of what i've been working on some day. i dont have a lot to say today, but things are slowly imrpvoing, and can only get better from here! :)
2/07/2020 - 12:04 PM i haven't been doing very well today mentally. i have been dealing with some really horrible dysmorphia. as i look down at the html as i type this i realize i just wrote about this as well yesterday. it feels good to journal here even though i know im exposing myself to any manner of person to see this. however i feel like i should be able to talk about these things without worrying about ridicule. if someone chooses to do so, they may. i do care, but i cannot stop you. i did a tarot reading for lawrence yesterday. he didnt say that it was accurate, but he said it gave him some stuff to ruminate on. i wasnt sure what that meant but he wasnt upset at all so im glad about that. i hope one day i dont feel the way i feel right now. i know i wont always feel so far from myself and terrible but during the moments its at its worst it really gets hard to see the end of the tunnel. i was really struggling to eat yesterday, so im super happy i ate breakfast this morning. i also exfoliated in the shower today so i feel pretty good healthwise. im nice and full and im clean. im going to try to get laundry done today so i can do something productive then i think i will look over my resume so its ready for my interview on monday. i really hope i get a new job, i would love to work at this other location. please cross your fingers for me. its very strange being hyperaware of your own consciousness. you spend a lot of time questioning your every move. i only became uncomfortable about it recently. its definitely just a result of untreated ocd and does not last forever. i know that one day i wont feel like this and i will do my best to heal to one day reach that goal. i want to look back on this period in time and comment on how much ive improved. i know that even as i write this now, ive imrproved a lot from what i used to be like. i used to be very unstable and very scared. panicking almost every day for a number of hours. while i still find myself anxious from time to time, ive noticed that the panic doesnt come as easily. and if it does come, it doesnt explode into a full episode. i am so grateful . while i still find myself fearful sometimes, i notice that it doesnt leave me terrified and crying and hyperventilating like before. i hope i only continue to improve. i so badly want to do better for myself. lately i have been playing katamari damacy on my switch. i forgot how much fun it is. ive been spending a lot of time in bed because i havent felt well. im looking into seeing a dentist for a problem tooth as well. i love to play katamari, its really really fun and i love the character design a lot. im going to play more when im in bed tonight.
2/05/2020 - 10:09 AMi had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. i have been struggling with dysmorphia lately. i have therapy on the 12th and then hopefully once a week after that. it gets very difficult trying to deal with my mental health sometimes, but i have some faith that i am improving, slowly with time. i need to pray more. my tarot card pulls have been ok so far. scarily relevant, but i know that its information that i need to know. sometimes it really frustrates me how upset i get with myself. pertaining to my appearance and my mental health. i know that theres stuff wrong,and i want to correct it. i had an incident a few days ago pertaining to a depressive episode that lead to me having to cut some of my hair off. nothing substantial, but i'm going to get my hair cut short to make up for the hair i had to cut off. it was a wake up call that i need to do better and care more about myself. i want to. i know i deserve even that little bit of respect. but sometimes it gets so hard to think of myself as a person. i don't know why exactly, but sometimes my brain refuses to let me understand that im more than just a random being inhabiting this skin and seeing in first person. im going to try to meditate tonight and im going to try to pray today at my altar. i hope my angels know that i need them in this moment. i really do. if they can read my thoughts or hear my pleas, please have faith in me, keep me in your thoughts. i need you more than ever now and i love you. please stay with me, for i am weak and need your support. amen.
2/01/2020 - 8:34 AMgood morning good morning. i woke up and brushed my teeth and pulled a couple tarot cards for the day. i have been very worried about today. i am drinking a strawberry protein shake to make sure i get something in me before i decide to make breakfast. maybe an egg some grits and a hashbrown today. i picked up a broccoli cheddar bake at aldi last week, i kind of want it for lunch but im not sure. strawberry protein supplements have a very specific medicinal taste that reminds me of being a child. i used to be quite sickly because i refused to eat or i did not eat well enough and i weighed next to nothing up until i was about 11 or 12. thetaste is comforting to me though. these protein shakes are quite small but thats a good thing. i think if they were any larger i would try to just drink them all the time and that cant be good for you. they have a lot of sugar in them im sure. i just looked at the side of it and it say 15g of sugar. this thing is only 8oz. thats a lot of sugar. i think im going to make a grit bowl with hashbrowns for breakfast today. im craving something hearty. i hope today goes ok. im very worried. im going to pray i think. i hope everything will be alright.
1/31/2020 - 12:18 PM i cleaned off my altar today, but i still have some stuff i want to organize. i also want to throw some stuff out that's clogging up my closet, and do some cleaning around the house. i started working my hair, and it went alright, but a section of it is a bit matted because i wasnt taking good care of myself the past month. i'm working on detangling it, and its going alright but it's slow work. i want to start being more consistent with my self work next month. i want to try to atleast do stuff everyday thats good for myself. i want to actually stick to it this time, and im confident that i'll be able to. i also want to work more with my spirit companions, and put my own energy work to good use. i feel like i have the potential to do good for myself but i have to want it for myself and actually be serious about it. i also want to stop being such an angry person when it comes to some of my interactions with others and at the world in general. i feel like i have become needlessly cynical and rude when i really dont need to be. i want to work on being a much calmer person, and i hope that i can work on this in the coming weeks.
1/28/2020 - 9:01 AM my therapy appointment got cancelled today because my therapist is sick! that totally sucks, i totaly get it though because im pretty sick too right now ^^;; ... i think i might call out of work tonight because i dont feel well! im eating some breakfast right now, and later on i want to completely clean off and rearrange my altar! i think everyone will really appreciate it, and i think it will be good for me as well! i dont have a lot to say today, but i still wanted to write something!
1/23/2020 - 2:15 PM today has been a little choppy but im getting some stuff done around the house so i know i'll at least feel fufilled today. i have some art pieces i need to work on for people, and i want to get those done by the weekend maybe. we'll see how much time i have. i also want to practice meditating this weekend so i'll try to put some time aside for that as well. i want to start feeling good! i got nice and cleaned up and im throwing away a bunch of stuff and i donated sooo many clothes at the beginning of the month im super happy about that! hopefully i'll be getting a new job soon as well so im looking forward to making new changes in my life and doing better for me and im just excited for what the future may hold for me. i think i need to start trying to make a future for myself or atleast seeing a future for myself because i think thats important to me. i have struggled with not seeing myself going anywhere and i need to realize that i deserve better and that i should be taking myself much more seriously. i am worthy of success and feeling better and i dont need to deprive myself of these experiences anymore! this year will be okay even if things go wrong and i know this!
1/21/2020 - 7:37 AM i worked an overnight shift tonight and it was very cold. its supposed to be very cold for the next week or so here. i like the cold but im not used to it at all. i need to buy a new coat. i have been thinking of meditating more often because i know it would be good for me. i think im going to try it more often, because i want to become more in touch with my existence and i want to communicate more with those beyond this plane. it is very important to me. i also really like this song, please give it a listen if you would like to. it is very good and makes me very happy. i have to work again tonight but i feel like it will be a good night. i have been feeling nervous, but still more brave than usual lately. i am very happy about this because it means im starting to get better, which is always good.
1/19/2020 - 5:50 AM i am now eating cheezits and am about to watch a video about meditating to open your third eye. if u would like to watch it is here. i am then going to read a few forum posts about things on this spirit forum and probably close my eyes for a couple hours. i have therapy on the 21st and am looking forward to it as per usual. i am going to try to blog at least once a week i think. it will be good to catalouge things.